Tuesday, 14 April 2015

12th April, 2015: Carry Forward

Its the same old shit again. Same old. Nothing has changed. Oh wait. One thing has changed. I didn't miserably and hopelessly fall for a guy I can never have. I didn't go through those months of Single White Female psycho (e)motions. So I guess my depression didn't have an tangible excuse to manifest itself in all its melodramatic glory. That way this winter was actually quite sane. So yay. Pat me on my back. Clap clap clap. Whatever.

The insane thing that did happen instead was, long story short: I decided to channel all this abundance of love that I have to give, towards something more practical. I decided to adopt puppies. Two cute little pee monsters. Never felt more like a parent. Suddenly all the residual depression was gone. First week one of them died of congenital defect. Devastated, but decided to gather myself up to tale care of the other one. For three weeks, my life revolved around him. I forgot everything else. Then he also dropped dead of the same malady as his sister. And it was all over. Little did I know life had a strange way of throwing up depression all over my face the moment I decided to swallow it all down for a change.

But I didnt let it deter me. A month later once I recuperated from my grief, I decided to foster two more puppies. Older ones this time. I needed a closure. I needed to feel like what its like to be a parent. Without the sorrow of losing a child. It was amazing. Crazy madness. They destroyed my furniture, bedding endless slippers. But so SO much love and affection. They went on ahead to a better foster where they will be better taken care of. I am still not ready to adopt again. I can't live with fear of loss which has been so deeply ingrained in me...


Well summers are here again. And nothing has really changed. I'm still lonely. I'm still cranky. I'm still quite fucked up. And I have no vaguest idea what I am doing with my goddamn life.

Well. There's one idea. If I can't get my shit together by the end of this year,I have no wish to drag it any further. My energy is depleting. There's no motivation or interest to replenish it. There's no joy. It has to come to an end. Before it gets painfully unbearable any further. I need to take a bow with grace.

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