Disanticipation Diaries: 21st October 2015: Truth

Wednesday 21 October 2015

21st October 2015: Truth

As October started I started slipping into another depressive phase. I could feel it inside my head. Like an alien body lodged inside my skull. Controlling my mind, my thoughts and my desires. This one feels exceptionally intimidating just like the one back in 2013.

I started therapy with a pro-bono mental health NGO last week. Last Friday I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder II. My medication has begun. Anti-convulsants, anti-depressants and B12 (fatty acids).

Here we go.

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What on Earth?

Well. This is probably going to be another short lived spawn of a whimsical mind. I am a gay and genderqueer person, living in Delhi since birth. I am a hard core romantic. Make it ROMANTIC. I grew up imagining a fifties daydream of that larger than life kind of a man in my life, a cottage somewhere in the outskirts of the hills (location kept changing from Shimla to Mussoorie to Dharmshala), two kids and a dog living a quaint little small town life. Yes, somehow it was very convenient to daydream of such inspite of all the oppression, regression and homophobia that surrounded me like hounds for the most part of it.

Over the years I went through massive phases of coming out, accepting my gender, giving up my hair, falling for every other unavailable person. But one thing which never changed was the heroine shot of romanticizing the idyllic future. The details and forms changed and evolved, but at the very core the anticipation to find The Love never changed.

I am 26 now. I have never dated. I have never been in a relationship. I have never even had a fling. My crotch hurts with the weight of the ginormous balls I had to muster up to admit this last year. And now that half my twenties are over I'm trying to cushion myself against the disappointment of life not turning out to be what you imagined for yourself when you hit 30. I'm starting to convince myself that it's not gonna happen. I need to learn to be alone. Be comfortably alone.

I have plenty of friends who would actually never let me be alone technically. But when I finish deadlines at 2am and am about to crash, there is that brief moment when it just suddenly drops into an uncomfortable vacuum of utter silence. And the only thing that clangs like giant cymbals in the hills is that sudden excruciating pang of loneliness. Sometimes I break down. Sometimes I sigh and shake my head in resignation. And then lay in bed and wait for another day.

So if I manage to actually update this blog regularly, then this would be just another one of those blogs that fester this internet. Whiny, 20 something angst full of cynical pessimism and short-sightedness. My friends are tired of my whining. But I need somewhere to whine where no one knows me. And the oblivion of anonymity that this blogosphere is, is where I shall vent it all out. And if you have a problem with that, then I would sincerely suggest you to take the problem, roll it up in a cylindrical shape, lube it up and shove it up yours.

Thank you very much.

LLO